I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
What drink are we having for lunch?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
