I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
