sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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