I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
