i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
