Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
