she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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