I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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