can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
