she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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