I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize