you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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