drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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