I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
