turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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