For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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