After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
