Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
