similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
