I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I would fuck him just for his dog
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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