Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
