so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
