Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
