I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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