I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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