I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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