How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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