ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
