don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We were destined to go to rehab together
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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