end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
