youre lurking in front of me
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize