We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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