literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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