True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
