dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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