if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
