I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
