living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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