I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize