I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
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