The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
