What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize