I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
