You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize