Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
