I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
