i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
