i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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