i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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