I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This is my gift to your gina
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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