I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
