Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
