2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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