Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
