Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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