First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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