she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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